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From the JOKIN' AROUND DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159. Either a good or a bad reputation gets there before you do, since it always out runs the possessor. It's nice, when you arrive, to have something good there before you get there. Reputation counts. You work at it a good while and can lose it quickly. Many people get the name of being witty, only to lose the name of being sensible. A sense of duty is useful in work, but harmful in personal relations. The greatest of all mistakes is to think that you have never made any mistakes. All the world knows that poverty owns the person, whereas few stop to realize that the wealthy seldom own their wealth so much as they are owned by it. So many people falsely think of wealth as a state of bliss, whereas the truth is that the joy comes from the imagination. The fun comes from anticipation, not realization. The real joy in life is to have not so much as to be envied, but not so little as to be damned. True love is like talking about spirits, we are not sure what to look for, and none of us has seen one. A man who enters into marriage thinking he will educate his wife is guilty of the same stupidity as a wife who enters into marriage thinking she will reform her new husband. Both of these folks are in for a lot of reform and a good deal of education, but it may not be as helpful as they thought. The angel on the street is often enough the devil of the household. On Capital Punishment: Four out of five people who get it deserve it. The next time someone says they are for capital punishment, think about this! Whatever is not nailed down is mine, and whatever I can pry lose is not nailed down. Nancy Reagan: "Say, Ron, didn't you call Ollie North a patriot?" Ronald Reagan: "I don't remember." Ollie North: "They convicted me on shredded evidence!" Being a parent means knowing where the plunger is at all times. I can remember when the doctor said that sleep was a good cure for whatever it was that ailed us. Now, we find that too much sleep is harmful. Sign on Public Wall: Bill Posters Will be Prosecuted Vigorously! Under sign, someone wrote: Bill Posters is innocent and lives in another state! Humpty Dumpty......was pushed. There are plenty of UFO's, in Washington, D.C, today, right now! UFO = Unprincipled Federal Officials. Military Joke: Two recent recruits were in boot camp. They overheard two mosquitoes talking, both of which were large. The first said to the second "Shall we eat him here?" And the Second responded, "Yeh, because if we take him home the big ones will get him from us!" (Sorry, this is all there is of this!) Hollywood is one place where more parents than children run away from home. Ad in college paper: "Will trade my knowlege in geomatry for toutering in some outher subject." In response to a tidal wave of mail (keep that postcard coming) here is a quiz with regard to the first 110 days of the George Bush administration: 1. What has been the most Significant achievement of the Bush administration? a) that puppy thing b) Keeping our boys out of the Alaskan Spill War c) Making Calvin Collidge look like a dynamo by comparison 2. What has been the most Significant failure of the Bush Administration? a) The John Tower Affair b) The Ollie North Affair c) The Dan Quayle Fiasco 3. The real reason George Bush got elected was: a) He had more enthusiasm than Dukakis, who had died but did not have the presence of mind to fall over. b) "None of the Above" was not a candidate and did not run for office c) He didn't pick Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker for Vice President d) The democrats were going to run a tombstone, but found someone even more lifeless. It always gets darker, just before it gets completely dark. The meek shall inherit the earth, with your permission. Old soldiers never die, young ones do. A New Employee: The boss came in and said "I think you are the laziest person I have ever encountered. You are absolutely worthless. All you do is take up space.! Tell me one good thing about yourself, one way in which there is some benefit in keeping you on the payroll?" The employee responded, "When I go on vacation, you don't have to hire someone to replace me." It used to be said "As American as apple pie." Now, thanks to the NRA, we can say "As American as an AK-47." Every time you start something, you end something else. Just be sure that what you are doing is an improvement. Contrary to popular opinion, liberty is not freedom so much as responsibility. It takes a lot of work to keep liberty going. If you wish to drown, do not torture yourself with shallow water. You've got to stand up and live before you can sit down and write. I went on a diet, cut out drinking, cut out smoking, cut out eating, cut out all my bad habits, and in fourteen days, I lost a full two weeks. Middle age is that time when a man thinks that within a week or two, perhaps even three, he will be as good as ever. Man fools himself, prays for a long life, and fears old age. No tree ever hit an automobile except in self-defense. Confidence is what you had before you realized that you didn't have what you thought you had and now you need. As an author, the more sins you confess, the more books you sell. There's a sucker born every minute. How long have you been around? We are all bozos on the bus of life, lunatics every one, but there is a difference; the one who can analyze his own delusion is often called a learned person, a philosopher. Christmas comes, but once a year is enough! Ours is a strange world, in which the vast majority do not know what it is they want, but are willing to go through hell to get it, and once they've got it, they don't know what to do with it because it was supposed to make them happy and didn't. Generally, an expert is a person who can shower bucketfuls of utter confusion on complete simplicity. When one has tasted it, one knows instantly what the angels eat, and what the angels eat is most certainly not what one has just tasted! Knowledge is power, particularly if you know enough of it on the right people. Gross exaggeration is at least 144 times as bad as ordinary exaggeration. Each time that Americans hold another election, about the only thing they learn is that they did not learn much from the last election. Don't bother to brag about your ancestors, since the records fail to show that Adam and Eve were ever married! If your time ain't come, not even a doctor can kill you. This is not to say that the doctor will not apply effort, and in the end, you may die beyond your means. A fanatic is one who puts twice as much effort toward his goal than anyone else, and once having gotten started, forgets where it is that he was headed for with all that effort. A fool and his money can go places, especially if they meet the right travel a gent. Are you a man or a mouse? Squeak Up! How absolutely easy it is for a man to die rich, if that be his desire. Simply by living is the most miserable conditions for the longest possible time, and in the most miserly manner, it is indeed quite possible for the ordinary person to die rich. Of course, you can't take it with you. Don't never join no organization that says it will accept you as a member, because such an organization isn't worth joining anyway, so it ain't worth your time to join the thing, cause they ain't got no standards whatsoever. Husbands and wives who complain that they didn't get what they deserved, should be congratulating themselves! The man who thinks he is smarter than his wife is married to a very smart woman. The man who gets busy as a bee may find that his honey is gone, if he is not attentive to the hive. The silliest of women can manage a clever man, but it takes something of a genius to manage a fool. Two can live as cheaply as one, but that one will go into debt twice as fast. Real hindsight can show us very clearly what could have been easily prevented by a little more foresight. Captain of the Exxon Valdez to Third Mate: "I said SCOTCH on the rocks, not STOP on the rocks!" The only thing that remained loaded on the Valdez was the captain. The whole affair gives an entirely new meaning to the packing of sardines in oil. This tragic event has alerted people to wild life. The bar on the Love Boat now shuts down at 8:30 PM. When informed of this sorry event, Vice President Dan Quayle said that we should let foreign countries take care of their own problems. Quayle was not allowed to go to Alaska and view the damage, since no one could be found to go along to make sure his pants were zipped, and he had his snow shoes on, and wore his cap. The tree of resentment often delivers the fruit of criticism to the listener. No one is quite so rich that they can do without anyone else. What this country needs is a good 23 hour deodorant, which would allow you at least an hour a day to realize just what a stinker you really are! While this accident in Alaska has shown the world that water and oil do not mix, I wonder how many have gotten the real message - that alcohol and water don't mix well, either? If you think the person who inherited all that money is bad now, just imagine what would have happened if the estate were larger than it actually was! You knew it would have to come to this, I am sure, but Oliver North will only eat one kind of breakfast food: Shredded Wheat! If you want total success at failure, try pleasing everyone. Ordinarily, two half truths beget total error, unless the Government tells them, in which case they may well create chaos. What we send into the lives of others usually manages to find its way into our own. No matter how weird or absurd, if you whisper it, people will believe it. During the last presidential campaign, Quayle should have said " Read my lips." Everything he says falls on deaf ears anyway. All things considered, Dan Quayle is doing a fine job as Vice President. He is the best eraser clapper the White House has ever had. When you comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable, your chances of going to heaven improve. Forgive and forget, but don't tie up the watch dog just yet. Quayle Quote: "I'm no Jack Kennedy, and the old lady sure as blazes isn't Jackie, either!" Indifference is an apathetic form of passive hate. One thing can be said without anyone questioning it, Yassir Arafat is not just another pretty face. Many people are going to hell on their "but's!" Yesterday is a cancelled check. Today is ready cash, use it! Everyone has their own talents, and if a cow gives milk, it need not fell sorry or guilty that it does not play the violin. It's Positively the Most Awful: A bus driver is going down the highway and hits a small little cute bunny rabbit. He stops the bus, runs back to see what can be done. The rabbit is flat as possible, run over and dead. The driver stands there in shock, unable even to say a word. Another driver stops, sees what happened, and offers his support and sympathy to the bus driver. A third driver comes up, sees what happened, and returns to his car, from which he comes back with a syringe and needle, and injects the rabbit, whereupon the rabbit comes to live, waves at all three drivers, and takes off! Over on the other side of the ditch, the rabbit stops, waves to the three men, and then goes up the hill. At the top of the hill, the rabbit once more stops, waves to the three drivers, and then disappears. The bus driver is, of course, speechless. Finally, one of the first two asks the third what he had in that syringe. "Oh, it was nothing really, just leftover hair restorer and some permanent wave lotion." The know the divorce rate is getting out of hand when the best man at the wedding stands up not for a toast, but to start a pool! Getting on is getting up each time you got down until you get in. Get it? Remember the Wright Brothers? They were just plane folks. Only an illiterate can clean out an attic! There is a new product on the market for those who are fighting a losing battle with roaches. It's called "Instant Arson." Our neighborhood is different. We did have a great neighborhood watch going on, but she finally pulled down the shades. Actually, the area is a little rough. Our last beauty contest featured Miss Main Street, and featured a bullet proof vest category. Jimmy Swaggart was considering cremation, but God spoke to him and he no longer entertains this idea. God told him, "I'll take care of that when you get here." I don't want much out of life, just the bare necessities. A nice air conditioned harem with meals served five times a day by the slaves.... You know you are in bad shape when people take one look at you and openly speculate out loud about when death started advertising. To err is human, to blame it on others is politics. When you've seen one atomic war, you've seen them all. I don't want to sound like a pessimist, but it has come to my attention that if you call for a Pizza right after you called the police because your house was robbed, the Domino Truck will get there first! Let me level with you. If the outflow of your outgo exceeds the income of your input, than your upkeep will be your downfall unless you have some other angle to work. You know you don't look too well when you go to your 35 High School Reunion Party and someone in the class asks you "Tell me, was it your sister who died?" A very popular college coed was prone to let any man kiss her, yet no one knew why. Finally, another student asked her mother, during a parent visiting day, and the mother said that once, her daughter slapped a young man who tried to kiss her. He was chewing tobacco at the time! We are a nation of rugged individualists. Daniel Boone, Charles Lindburgh, Ross Perot, Henry Ford, Anne Oakley, Ameilia Erhardt, Sally Rand...and yet the latest census bureau survey finds that 18 million American single adults between the ages of 18 and 34 are living at home with mommy and daddy! Know someone you really don't like? Send them a fruit basket...from Chile! Two mortuaries have closed recently, due to (oh, sorry about this, really I am) the stiff competition! This year, folks, the Ayatollah is 90 years of age. I wonder what that is in human years? The Ronald Reagan Library is going to open and will need contributions, so if you happen to have anything pertaining to the Three Stooges, give till it hurts! Pete Rose is not obsessed with Gambling. Just ask his daughters, Quinella and Exacta. Pete is feeling fairly sure of himself, and believes he will beat the gambling allegations. In fact, he is giving 3 to 1 odds. George Bush is glad the John Tower thing has quieted down a good bit. Now, he won't have to answer any of those silly questions about " a thousand points of Bud light." Slow drivers are the cholesterol of life clogging the arteries of America. Oral Roberts is sure the end is near, but he has hired two extra people to work on his listeners, to put him into their will! Washington, D.C., is the seat of government, and that is where most of the pain is also located! Life is a Test. It is Only a Test. If it were your Actual Life, you would have been given much better instructions than you obviously have! Of course I am sure you have all heard of Ma and Pa Kettle getting bored with life and deciding to go on the new television program, Divorce Court. They even agreed to get a divorce, just to see how it would feel. Unfortunately, they did not prepare any dialogue, and so when the presiding judge asked them why they wanted to get a divorce, Pa simply said "Judge, it's her coffee. It'd be an improvement if she soaked her sox in it!" Without hesitation, the judge granted the divorce, acknowledging in doing so that he too was a coffee drinker. And so it came to pass that the divorce was granted on coffee grounds! (Sorry, really, about this, terribly in fact, but it was in and just had to come out!) It is a good rule of health that tells us that we should eat not one ounce more at any given meal than we are able to bench press easily. Through the gradual introduction of bird seed into your diet, you will start to whistle a good deal more, and as well, an additional side benefit, you will now be able to overcome the fear of flying that you previously had. However, take care, for too much birdseed in your diet will cause you to lose your taste for eggs. When testing the cake with a straw, it is much more easily done if you remove the straw from the broom. Do not use the straw from the broom in the barn, and if you do not have a barn, do not use the straw from the broom in the men's room. If it multiplies in your refrigerator, don't eat it. If you happen to live in a tri-level home, roller skates should not constitute your ordinary foot wear. It is considered bad form to microwave an unopened can of spinish on any Friday, the l3th, no matter the month. It is, however, one of the quickest ways in which to redecorate your kitchen inexpensively. Eating an orange on March l7th is indifferent, however, if you happen to be a spectator at a St. Patrick's Day Parade, it is much better for your health if you leave that orange at home. Avoid all overcokked sushi, because it is bad for you, and not too good for the fish, either. There is no known way to make crackers crumble more efficiently than an attempt to eat them in bed. It is not considered safe to ask a waitress you do not know well if she has frog's legs. Even if you know her well, this question can be the cause of serious injury. It is the height of bad form and poor manners, when serving Spam, to neglect the serving of mint jelly which should accompany it. Never undo what can't be undone. It is not considered good judgement for you to attempt tying your shoelaces when coming down the ladder on the fire escape. When standing in the middle of a pasture, if the bull starts to charge, know that your credit card will be of absolutely no help whatsoever. If it is still moving, don't try to eat it, and if it looks like it might try to move, don't try to revive it. Don't get up too early in the morning, because the early bird gets the worm, and no matter how you try to prepare it, breakfast is just awful. Never ask if the waiter has chicken breasts. You might find out! If you are stopped by a Highway Patrol Officer and have nothing in mind for the next several months, try saying to the Officer "Gee, you are really ugly!" If that doesn't get you somewhere, try the following. "Gee, you've got fat earlobes, and I've always heard that fat earlobes are a sign of stupidity." The Lord created the world in six days and on the seventh day, the Lord rested. On the eighth day, the Lord started answering the complaints. Nothing subtracts from the natural beauty of a women faster than bubble gum. You can lead practically any animal to water, but if you can get that critter to blow bubbles through a straw, then by golly, you've done something. When your host serves a delicacy, like compressed hummingbird's tongue, it is definitely considered gauche to eat the morsel with your fingers. A truly reckless driver is one who passes you when you are already exceeding the speed limit. Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't. You may think that Americans have lost their competitive spirit, but watch what happens when a new line is opened at the check-out lane at K-Mart! Competition never had a better day or a finer demonstration. The Luggance Handlers for Northworst Airlines were going on strike, but they found it necessary to postpone the strike....someone lost the picket signs. It is hard to know what to do with a pre-shrunk garment that shrinks. Nothing deflates so fast as a punctured reputation. When it comes to leaping a chasm in two jumps, the first one is easy. Men make the laws, women make the manners. It has been said that there is no fool like an old fool, except a young fool. But the young fool has got to grow up to be an old fool, before he can realize what a damn fool he was when he was a young fool. No fooling! There is but one known way to balance the Federal Budget. It is done by lengthening the holidays of the legislators and shortening the sessions. One of the things the world needs today is a bank that shows just a bit more appreciation when your account is underdrawn. Retirement is when you have everything to do on your own time. Those establishments which feature signs: "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service," are setting themselves up for the customer who comes in wearing everything but pants and underwear. To be known as prudent, reserve a few things to be done outdoors for days when the weather will not permit these activities. The traditional two minute warning in games is given so that you can put the food in the microwave and finish cooking it just about the time the game is completed. It takes someone with the intelligence of a vending machine to argue with one. The difference between a cow chewing its cud and someone chewing bubble gum is that the cow has better manners than to blow bubbles with its cud. Three of the most frightening alarms we can hear are fire, burglar, and wakeup. Some folks say honesty is the best policy, while others say keeping your mouth shut is even better. It is of some small consolation for you to know that we have survived every President the electorate has thrust upon us. Some people vote in elections only to establish eligibility to complain about who got elected. First there were low calorie drinks put on the market, and now, dry beer. The next step is selling you and empty container that simply credits your account with having tried to drink something. The secret of a long and successful marriage can be found in an old Slobovian Proverb: Never wallpaper a room together. If you can stand the aggravation of trying to get the kids to go out and shovel the snow, your heart is in good enough condition to go out and do it yourself. Few things are less enjoyable than being old enough to know better. If most of us had it to do all over again, most of us would let someone else do part of it. With recognition that you have forgotten some of the folks that worked for President Ronald What's-his-name, comes an awareness that you are in true need of a basic memory course. Don't put in any time with Willie Horton visiting on weekends unless you can stand the publicity of appearing on a Republican ad for the Presidency of the United States. If English does become the Official Language of the United States, will the mispronunciation of "Missouri" be a misdemeanor or a felony? I don't care what happens to the salesperson on the other end of the line. I am not buying any more magazine subscriptions by telephone, no matter. The only time to say to someone; "Have a nice day," is when you have already rendered them completely speechless with rage and anger. It is shocking to learn that the very last citadel of silence, the library, is stocking rock and roll recordings. The talking movie was an improvement. Now, I am looking for another, like a silent television talk show. Remember way back when anyone who went to Hawaii spent much of the remainder of their life giving travel talks? People who insist on sticking with the truth can be terribly boring and just downright insulting. No-fault insurance may be all right, but it would never have the popularity of somebody else's fault. About the only person who has the time to write a book on how to raise a child is a bachelor. There is really no use in aiming high in life if you are too lazy to pull the trigger. Out of the mouths of babes comes a lot or really disgusting stuff. It is a mite discouraging when someone has an hourglass figure and a face that would stop a clock. There was a time when you could figure that seeing the word sex in print was really a misprint for sox or six. In spite of what you may have heard, it is permissible to yell "FIRE!" in a theatre, particularly if the theater is on fire. There will come a time when the sheep can bed down with the Lion, but it will come only after the Commercial Strength Sleepeze has been introduced to the market. If a chicken and a half can lay and egg and a half in a day and a half on a nest and half, how long will it take a little old red rooster sitting on a solid brass door knob to hatch a hardware store if the train is going East at forty miles an hour and the river is rising at six inches per hour in a strong cross wind? (If you do get the correct answer, please keep it to yourself!) Tammy Faye Bakker has come back on television to appeal for more money so that she can appear on more stations to appeal for more money so that she can appear on more stations to appeal for more money to appear on more stations. The real sorry part of this is that people are sending her money! It is bad form to use floor wax on your teeth so you can be a smooth talker. There is one good thing about talking to your plants, they don't interrupt. A good friend is one who keeps the surplus zucchini. Few things there are which damage the image of grown-up Americans more than an adult book store. Science has concluded that there were earthquakes before there was rock music. When it comes to getting the back of your calf wet, a rain and a good umbrella are the best combination. The one common trait of talk shows is the fact that most of the guests have done something most of us consider unspeakable. Growing up requires that we break the apron strings and get on with the business of life. Easily said, but the business of life requires that we hang on to the financial strings as long as possible. If exercise is all that good for you, how come the doctor with the greatest seniority has the parking place closest to the hospital door? Teenager: A person who thinks 30 is a form of terminal illness. It was not all that far back that a floppy disk was a phonograph record left too long in the sun. Time is relative. Ten minutes in a dentist's chair can go by much more slowly than a two week vacation. What appears to be a dirty old man may just be a father with three teen-aged daughters in a one bathroom home. Many a young lady does not realize just how strong her love for a young man is until he fails to pass the approval test with her parents. Any shower that keeps the kids inside for a full weekend can be called a rain of terror. The fact that not everyone is perfect can be most clearly illustrated by other people. Having high aims in life makes it a bit more possible to shoot yourself in the knee, rather than in the foot. A real spoilsport is someone who muddles up a good argument with facts. Life is tough, and you know that when you've got more bills in your mailbox than in your wallet. If you don't like making constant decisions, than by all means, try to avoid trifocals. The number of irreconcilable differences cited in divorce court tend to substantiate the observation that opposites attract. It takes some work to lose weight, or to use the power of positive shrinking. There are still quite a few of us who remember when you could get a fairly good high school education without completing college. If astrology is superstitious,than how come weather forecasting is a science? A childless marriage is difficult, since there is a real strain in finding someone to blame for all the failures. There just are not enough folks to go around. The most difficult part of attaining perfection is finding something to do for an encore. The word processor has increased the danger that more people who threaten to write books may actually do so. You know the romance is not as warm as once it was when he leaves the motor running as he drops off his girl friend after a date. Authorities tend to frown on the placement of an unopened can of spinach in a microwave oven, although everyone knows this is a quick way to redecorate your kitchen. Sign on a Wooded Pasture: WARNING: NO TRESPASSING ALLOWED THE LORD TELLS US: FORGIVE THOSE WHO TRESPASS. TO HELL WITH THAT! I SHOOT THE DAMN BASTARDS! A surefire way to get unwanted guests to leave is the threat of showing family pictures taken by an 8 mm camera by someone who never handled the thing before. Sign in a very old hotel with high ceilings in the rooms: "Note the many tobacco stains on the floor. Anyone can spit on the floor, even an idiot. Try your luck at spitting on the ceiling! Do not spit on the floor, unless you agree with line three. If you try line four, we will think a lot more of thee." If at first you don't succeed, well, so much for Russian Roulette. A small mind can produce a lot of half vast ideas. The news is out, Jim Bakker did NOT receive a Christmas greeting card from Jimmy Swaggart this last Christmas! It is considered bad form, when in the presence of Imelda Marcos, to say "If the shoe fits, wear it!" Sometimes you can complain about the food to the chef, but it seems rather futile to kick the vending machine! If you can't boil water, you can't grow zucchini. During the summer, lots of young boys go through a great deal trying to prove that it actually IS suntan, and NOT dirt! The lecture the doctor gives you on your weight is called a diatribe. You know that they have accepted each other when she doesn't scream at him for spilling something on the new carpet, and he doesn't get excited at her because of the dent in the new car. You know your jeans are too tight, if it takes pliers to get to your wallet. In any closet, you can find it, if it is too small, or out of style, or there is just one of it where there should be two. Jogging has become so popular that I increased my pace from a plod to an amble. Already, I had moved forward gear from shuffle to plod. I just don't know if I can keep the pace! Find your aim in life before you run out of ammunition! Make the most of the best and the least of the worst. Progress results when you mix persistence with purpose. Execute each act of your life as though it were your last, and in the end, you will be correct. When it comes to obscene phone calls, it's difficult to beat a wrong number between l and 4 A.M. Many joggers are simply pedestrians too fearful to walk. If you hide your generic food cans at the bottom of the garbage can, you can legitimately be called a snob. Some people brag that they need only 5 hours of sleep in bed each night. They may be correct, since there are more and more who sleep in the chair while watching the thrills of the current TV season. People can travel faster than sound, yes, but not nearly so fast as rumor! Children solidify marriages by allowing that the parents now have someone else to blame it on! Things would go far better in this world if we had the courage to face the fact that other nations have the ability to handle their own affairs! A dull summer evening can be eliminated by one little ole hungry mosquito! You are getting old if you can remember when you could tell what was in the breakfast cereal by the taste of it! With the cost of automobile insurance going upward the way it does, more and more cars on the highway look like they survived a poorly managed demolition derby. Ah, the joys of deregulation. Now it takes an attorney to figure out your telephone bill. When you ask for a ballpark estimate on the cost of repairing the car, it is a bad omen when the mechanic falls to the floor in hysterical laughter. Press conferences during the Reagan administration were quite expensive. It was difficult getting that helicopter into the building, so that all the President had to do was wave and utter gibberish which no one could understand. I last saw Elvis at the K-Mart, where he was selling the blue suede special. There are lots of folks who wouldn't trust Jim Bakker with even so much as the sole of their shoe. Channeling is when something invades your body and makes you talk funny and say strange things...which is what happens to most people when they drink too much. I went to a Catholic school where the kids were so tough the nun taught us art and how to draw composite sketches. You know you are not well when your greatest secret desire is to appear on a rerun of the Gong Show. This last Presidential election was something like the sex life of many people. They had to settle for what they could get. Since I went to school the Sisters who teach there are not nearly as strict. Amnesty International got after them. After seeing Oliver North on television, you can readily understand why the Marines need a few good men. It really doesn't matter who is President. They all end up sitting in the Oval Office, sticking pins in a Dan Rather doll. The real curse of sin can be understood by imagining that you are on an island with just one other person --- Morton Downey. There are so many bugs in our embassy in Moscow it is time for us to send over a new ambassador - the Orkin man. One of the few safe predictions for l989. People will die this year that never died before. You know this year is off to a bad start when your Mother invites your wife to lunch and tells her about the continuous bed wetting that went on through your college years... It is not going to be the best of years when you discover that your son, the football star, has had his ears pierced and is stealing earrings from his grandmother. Three ways to get the word out and about; telegraph, telegram and tell someone a secret. I have been asked to put something in here that touches us all. While my intentions may be the very best, it is quite unfortunate that I know next to nothing about toilet paper. People dislike one word occupational titles. This is why Yuppies don't like or have children, the title is one word; Mommy or Daddy. New American Prayer: God bless mommy and daddy and President George Bush, for at least as long as Dan Quayle is Vice President. There is a certain inevitability to a couple of things. Death and taxes come to mind. However, death doesn't get worse every time the legislators come together. Studies of studies seem to confirm what we already suspected. There needs to be more studies of studies to find out what to do with them. People continue to say that God made New Jersey. The problem is that it did not pass quality control. The real erosion of civilization as we knew it started with the popularity of the self-service gas pump. Television was better when it was radio. Now, two senses are offended. He who lies down with dogs probably has a wife who keeps seven or more cats in the bedroom. Fools rush in wherever lottery tickets are sold. When you get right down to it, it is usually something you would not have gotten right down to if you had known beforehand what you were going to get right down to when you got right down to it. When a body meets a body, it helps if both of them have read through one or more times the pamphlet sent to them by Everett Koop. When push comes to shove, you know you are in a garage sale, if there is no blue light whizzing around. Sampson's Secret: Hair and Steroids... A poll conducted recently showed that American parents who raised those many children who could not find the United States on a map can not find their children on an average evening. If it were not for reporters telling each other all the interesting and wonderful things they did on weekends and some new breakthroughs in rectal salves which doctors support, there would hardly be anything worth watching on the evening news. A new Sports Stadium was completed in Warsaw, Poland, recently. There have been a large number of complaints about the design, since no matter where you are seated, you are seated behind a Pole. (Sorry about that, really, terribly so, awful much!) When cigarettes are outlawed, only outlaws will cough. If at first you don't succeed, well, so much for mountain climbing. An apple a day keeps the doctor away and does wonders for the fruit grower too. He who spends five dollars for entertainment on a truck stop parking lot is apt to get far more than he paid for... What this country needs is a good five cent cigar that sells for a nickel and smells more expensive. This is not what we got right now. When the roll is called up yonder, people who have paid their Book of the Month bills on time will receive preferential treatment. However, your mail will still come late, except for bills which will arrive the day after they were mailed, even if from Kabul! God made the world in six days, rested one and then started answering the complaints. God has a way of getting even, He allows 7 Bowl games to be played on the same day. Wearing a dress was Phil Donahue's way of dethroning Oprah Winfrey as Queen of the Talk Shows. Yasser Arafat was refused entry into New York because there are no current openings for convenience store managers. Jimmy Swaggart says let those Catholics have their silly bingo. He is into stud poker! The sportsmanship of hunting depends upon whether your are the hunter or the hunted. The statistical probability of being a good husband is equal to that of finding a gorilla with real talent for playing the harp. As a result of the last Presidential election it has come to our attention that anyone can succeed if they learn to have no ideas and a tremendous ability toward precise articulation of these. If one would become totally unhappy, one must have the time to consider whether or not one is as happy as one should be. Two can do it in half the time, by providing unhappiness for the other, thus solving the problem. Playing the lottery, especially when there is a large pot, does not of itself improve your chances of winning. One thing most people who register those who want to get married have in common is an abiding conviction that love is indeed stone blind. Many people demand to see the car they are going to buy in full daylight. Then they go out that evening and fall in love in a dark restaurant. And we call ourselves civilized. You know you have not made the best impression when someone tells you: "I'm going to commit your name to memory and throw my head away." Gloria Steinem once said that "the surest way to be alone is to get married." If you viewed her up close, you'd know why she would say such a thing. Of course, you would also be sick. There are four types of men. There are the mediocre by nature. There are those who strive for mediocrity. There are those who have mediocrity thrust upon them. And there is Dan Quayle, filled with hope that he can move into another category. The self-imagined non-conformist is the one who most rigorously conforms to the rules of non-conformity. One of the major problems of modern education is that most of the work is left for the school teacher to do. Those who on occasion will say, "My country, right or wrong," and those who will say on another occasion, "My mother, drunk or sober." If you happen to hear two version of a story about the fall of someone you know, the most judicious course is to believe the worst of the two stories. The number of honest politicians is superceded only by the number of honest burglars, if one consults the individuals involved. Free love is a contradiction in terms. As a candidate for national elective office the most dangerous thing you can do is say something during the campaign that the people might remember. Pornography, when once purchased, contains the fruitful seeds of complete boredom. Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely. A friend in need ... is a pest. Do unto others what you would, and then split before they realize what you have done. If at first you don't succeed, stand back, give way, and let others make fools of themselves, so you'll have company. Half of me says I have schizophrenia, the other half says I don't. If you would live a long life, observe moderation in all things, including sobriety. Many believe that marriage offers us a good example of two people being able to live as cheaply as one. The proposition is absolutely correct, if one of the parties to it agrees to starve to death. When you start to think that life is tough and you've got it hard, stop, reflect on being a deckhand on Noah's ark. A bird in the hand makes blowing the nose a real problem. A stitch in time...keeps the magazine together. Television is to intelligence what culture is to yogurt. Jimmy Swaggart is haunted by the omnivorous fear that someone, somewhere, is able to be happy without sending him money. Jerry Falwell is haunted by the fear that someone, somewhere, is sending money to Jimmy Swaggart. Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker are haunted by fear, and it has not limits. The old American way to spell cheese was K-R-A-F-T. Now, it's P-H-I-L-P- M-O-R-R-I-S. Coke was it....than it wasn't....now it is again. See the USA in a Chevrolet.....a joint operating agreement between us and Mitsubishi Motors. Old commercial: Hey Culligan Man! New commercial: Hey Culligan Person! Progress.... It is coming up to March again, and Oral Roberts is looking for someone to hold him hostage. God didn't want the job. God punished him for what he did the last time by leaving Oral in Oklahoma. Oklahoma is a wonderful place to be if there is nowhere else to go. Dan Quayle got his first assignment! He is in charge of picking up the crushed jelly beans from the carpet in the Oval Office. Currently, he is in school, learning how to do it. Next week, he starts. The other day along the road I saw a sign which said "Deer Crossing." Until that very time it never occurred to me that deer were Catholics. One thing Jimmy Swaggart and his wife have in common that most married couples don't....her clothing! I was asked if I would feed my neighbor's dog while they went on vacation. Innocently enough I said I would do it. I had no idea that cats were so darned hard to catch. If you want to have a long life, you must give up all those things that would make a long life interesting and fun. Let Rosanne Barr be your valentine this year. If you are going to shell out $ 30 for fine chocolate, you want to give it to someone who will eat the stuff...in one sitting. People keep asking, what must I do to be a candidate for Vice President, and I keep telling them....nothing...nothing...nothing... If Jimmy Swaggart did the things the latest Penthouse says he did, the man should be locked up as a real menace to society! Now that Philip Morris owns Kraft Cheese, will we get a menthol flavored Philadelphia Cream Cheese? How about a cheese flavored cigarette? Anyone for a filtered Cream Light l00? Definitely, times have changed. If you flunk out of high school today, you will likely have to settle for being just Vice President. It is a fairly good sign that you are obsessive-compulsive when you don't celebrate Ash Wednesday by receiving ashes because you don't want to get your forehead dirty. It is not a good omen when the lady of your dreams shows up at the court house for the wedding wearing designer jeans, and the designer is a man whose name is Frigidaire. Singles Solution Department: When jogging close to a beautiful lady, you pull up next to her and say "Your pace or mine?" (I deeply regret this, really, but it had to come out, it couldn't stay with me, I can't stand this type of thing, please accept my apology!) Penthouse Magazine says Jimmy Swaggart hates Catholics. He does not. He does hate what he thinks Catholics are, but there are not any of these around. He just doesn't know the difference. Yassir Arafat is a shampoo addict. You can tell, since he is always running around with that towel on his head. Liberation Cocktail = A glass of prune juice. It will set you free! It is one thing to be ugly, another to have a face that would melt a sundial! Very few people are worshipping a golden calf, yet many of them are buying it a pound at a time at their local meat market. Cher is to beauty what a step ladder is to a frog. It is not a good omen when the person of your dreams whom you have just met says "Don't go away, I like being alone." It's not nice to fool Mother Nature, and it doesn't look too good, either. Have you seen Tammy Faye Bakker recently? Can you imagine, RJR Nabisco is coming out with a tobacco flavored cookie.. followed of course by a Chocolate flavored filter soft light one hundred cigarette. Rumor has it that former Senator John Tower cheats at solitaire. Lengthy congressional investigation to discover source of dishonesty to follow. The Bush Administration is off to a good start....unless they put Noriega in as Drug Commissioner! Suspicions confirmed: Jerry Falwell did NOT send a valentine card to Jim and Tammy Bakker. President Ronald Reagan's last words as President..."Strike the set." It leaves you a little confused about where the object you are going to purchase was made when it says "This price tag made in the USA." Vice President Dan Quayle won't be in the Office today, since his wife was sick and there was no one else available to dress him. Jim and Tammy Bakker are back on television, which proves that there was a much larger market for the Edsel than anyone thought there might be... President Jerry Ford's last words as President.."I bumped my head on what?" President George Bush, fully aware of the fact that Pearl Harbor Day is September 7th, is hanging his sock on the mantle for the Easter Bunny! When you cross an elephant with a mouse you then have a solid basis for a steroid investigation. It's hard to think of germicidal warfare as an international crime when much of what you do in your kitchen is part of the same war. When someone tells you they think you are the finest person they have ever encountered, it is a fairly safe bet they are a closet something or perhaps they lived there. One thing to be said for not saying anything is that it is not going to be on some bulletin board somewhere, taking up space and bothering people who feel an urge to read everything on bulletin boards. Horrible and repulsive human mutations can be viewed on television! These can be seen fairly regularly by tuning in the Morton Downey Show. The host has the potential for mental capacity equal to navel lint in a gnat. It is unfortunate that this capacity is as yet unrealized. Right now, what you have is a rotting rutabaga that talks. He once said a nice word to his Mother and she hit him...with a truck, so he is well trained. Poor Morton, an orphan in his own home, a tourist in his home town. If he got an obscene phone call, the person making the call would be embarrassed. He is a real challenge for those who take the Bible literally and believe that God made everything - you are going to blame this on God? How many people do you know, other than Morton, who can use a watermelon as a jawbreaker? When his dentist does bridge work, it usually involves one or two sub-contractors and union problems. He brushes his teeth by walking through a car wash with his mouth open. One of the very few who has his mouth registered with the US government as a lethal weapon. For him, George Carlin's Seven Words are the same as a Sunday School lesson. When Morton puts a foot in his mouth it is like someone placing a sesame seed in the mouth of an alligator. As a form of public service, Downey motivates people, through fear, to clean their septic tanks simply by his use of language. His mind should be the subject of a study by the National Center for Disease Control in Atlanta. He has all the personality of a crumpled road map which features tediously precise panoramic examples of every type of highway engineering catastrophe possible of attainment. On his better days the man is a vivid example of what happens when a constipated Hippo develops severe gum problems. His only redeeming quality is that he is not on the air 24 hours a day. I don't think I care for him all that much... It is generally agreed that those people who agree with you are ranked in your mind as intelligent. An expert, aside from being a former spurt, is a person who knows more and more about less and less until he knows practically nothing about anything. The more likely a person is to be known as an expert is in direct ratio to the distance that person is from home, which is also known as the law of real catastrophe: The greater the distance from home, the heavier the expert. Some folks make things happen, others watch what happens, others do not know what happened and some wonder why it happened to them. Dan Quayle is in the fourth category and he is not alone! A paradox is what parents tell their children. When a kid tells it to their parents, it is more often called a lie. Talk about excitement. If you really want to have excitement in your life, try raising rabbits. Every day is a hare raising event! (I think it is time for an apology, sorry, really sorry about this one!) If you can bring about systematic confusion out of real chaos, you have all the qualifications necessary for an organizer. When I impart my suspicions to you, it is information. When you repeat what you have heard, it is gossip! This is the third installment of this type of thing, and if this is the type of thing you like, than you will like this type of thing, otherwise, it will not be so unless it is. Everyone has to be somewhere and so there you are, and there is lots of there around, so it is better for you to be there than here. If you stay there long enough, something will happen that will not happen here, so you will be witness to it, where otherwise you would not have been. There is your reward for being there and staying there and not being here or coming here. Oh, yes, you know why fish are always weighing themselves? Because they carry their scales with them. I am sure you have heard of the tongue tied person who never washed their clothes out of doors because they always wanted to wish their clothes in TIDE (There is nothing like good CLEAN humor!) Those television real estate sales seminars are interesting. I heard of one person who didn't spend a dime but nearly owns New Jersey. Of course, the real money is made selling tapes about how to buy New Jersey without money. The big question is, why would anyone want to own New Jersey in the first place? Oliver North is a prolific producer of terminological inexactitudes. It is not considered a good omen if, after inspecting your plumbing problem, the plumber asks if you own your own home, free and clear. If apathy doesn't bother me, I won't bother it. If you wait long enough, everything will come to you. It's called hash. The person who hesitates ends up at the end of the line. Don't say no to indifference, just ignore it and it will go away. Graffiti is a language people who use public places seem to speak. Anyone can write on the walls but it takes inventiveness to skywrite with an air hose. I am not paranoid, but I think that most everyone else is. If you collect the chronically stupefied and encourage them toward collective bewilderment, and then ask them to formulate a statement, you have the basic elements of a very productive committee. By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail and the more of it you do, the better your chances are. On the other hand, if you don't, you won't, and it will be successful. (I just wish I know what the hell I was talking about here!) Vice President Dan Quayle says he loves to travel to Africa and wants to see the Amazon River when he is there. He is planning to do these things the next time he is invited to Toronto. If it isn't what you thought it was, it is likely not going to be what you think you are going to make it be. I only wish that I were what I was when I wished that I would be what I am now. Often enough, television is just one vacuum tube watching another. If you don't know what you want, go to an antique shop - they've got it. The priest at Mass said he was not offended that some were looking at their watches, but he did become a little upset which some put their watch up to their ear to see if it was still running. You have not made the best impression when the funeral director invites you to come to a wake, so that the feeling of grief may be augmented. Childhood is a glorious time. You can lose weight simply by taking a bath. Artificial insemination: Copulation without representation. If you want to be popular, ask a lot of people for advice. If you want to be wise, ignore the advice. Televangelist: A person in contact with God, but upset with God because God does not listen and straighten things out. Those commercials about weight loss you see on television must be true. I heard about one lady who lost 187 pounds of ugly fat. How long did it take? Well, the divorce was finalized just two days before the program. The one most important rule for writers is to be sure to reread anything they have written to be sure that they have not by accident a word out. If you feel bad because you feel good and know that you will feel worse if you feel better, you are fairly well sure you are a hypochondriac. If you feel good because you feel bad and know you will feel better if you feel worse, you are a cairdnohcopyh, because you are doing things backwards. Old Time Movie Plot: Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy finds girl once more and marries girl and they live happily everafter. Science Fiction Movie Plot: Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy builds girl. Current Movie Plot: Boy meets boy. Boy loses boy. Boy finds another boy. Chase takes forty minutes, dialogue six, and gun shots fill in void. Hot New Item: Boy meets girl, they belong to different gangs, war breaks out. The last time I went to a theater, I saw the movie under the worst possible conditions - the film was running. It's one of those few times I really did envy my feet - they were asleep. The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time. Their Premeeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be uncertain or confusing. So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition. This sounds like a perfect forum for yet another speech by Vice President Dan Quayle... How does Dr. Ruth actually know when she is getting an obscene phone call? The most recent pool shows that 74% of the voters think that 86% of the polls are inaccurate 59% of the time - plus or minus three percentage points. The Normal City Council Meeting: A man stands up and says nothing, but it takes a long time. Nobody listens to what he says and no one pays any attention to him. When he sits down, everyone disagrees with what he said. At the height of the confusion, a vote is taken and an ordinance is passed. Those who attend professional football games in the future may expect this announcement: "Working today's game will be one referee, a head linesman, and two officers from the Narcotics Division." All things come to those...who get on a mailing list. Three important words of advice to be remembered - Don't give any! Main problem with today's youth - only kids have it. Between lost baggage and canceled flights, and connections made on the run, one wonders how they arrived at the phrase "getting there is half the fun." As I have said often enough before, I never repeat myself, and so it almost goes without saying that I won't repeat myself again. You know your child is not too smart when during the school period, roll call is taken and the child is stuck for an answer. We could easily stop a whole lot of illegal immigration into this country, simply by putting out for all to see on a fence post the common ordinary IRS Form 1040. You know you are not on a first name basis with the organizers when you receive your mail from Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes and the letter begins; "Dear Mr. Scumbag." In some circles, "666" has a bad connotation. For example, take the name of Ronald Wilson Reagan. It equals 666! Won the Presidency with the slogan: "Let me sleep in the Whitehouse. Everyone's got to sleep somewhere." Previously Unwritten Rule Department: That road which is the sole road which leads to the greatest tourist attraction in the area can only be repaired during the busiest three weeks of the entire tourist season. Repairs are to be done in such a manner that the maximum amount of time is required to cover the minimum amount of distance. Slow moving vehicles shall be deployed to best advantage to slow traffic in both directions simultaneously at all points of repair. A minimum of one person per repair mile shall be employed to engage in sun-bath work and no other. Two others by the same ratio, shall be employed to watch for anyone riding on square wheels, which shall be duly reported at the end of the month to the contractor. On days which precede and follow national holidays, at least two vehicles shall be used to break down, so that traffic comes to a complete standstill for as long as possible. From the JOKIN' AROUND DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159.